Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*