I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie