A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
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Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster