July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
You Might Also Like
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting