20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.