A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
the answer was staring at me all along
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.