Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My new favorite headline
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
…u ok Nintendo?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
broke down and did it
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.