If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit