The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?