Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.