Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes