If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…