“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.