[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Only a mother’s love …
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*