Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.