Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
These are too funny not to post 😂
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
This is my favorite one of these!
I need a headline like this
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes