If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”