The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
This is Sparta
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.