The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
back to work
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.