[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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