I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please