No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.