Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”