*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.