Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Print is alive and well!!!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe