My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time