Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
oh my god
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
there has never been a better use of this meme
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.