Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?