I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
It’s the weekend y’all
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.