I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
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lost dog
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.