I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?