Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
You Might Also Like
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that