When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?