It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Mornin
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Reporter: *ports again*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!