I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
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Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”