ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
what my late-night hot pocket sees
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.