I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
what my late-night hot pocket sees
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.