Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me linking you to my twitter
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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