history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶