BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Huge, if true.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth