COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word