A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’m not wrong
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.