Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
buys donuts instead
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”