These aren’t even hard anymore.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
plant them where lol
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt