5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.