My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.