My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
You Might Also Like
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: