“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.