Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think