How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.